“Before They Bite, They Bark. Before They Hit You, They Hit Near You.”: Unpacking Netflix’s MAID
Trigger Warning: This article touches on multiple forms of abuse and domestic violence in toxic relationships.
“Before they bite, they bark. Before they hit you, they hit near you.”
The quote lingered in my mind as I watched Netflix’s hit series, Maid – one based on Stephanie Land’s book about her personal experiences with the cycle of domestic abuse, further amplifying the struggles she went through as a single mother in poverty. While both the book and the series perpetuated the complicated, distressing, and honest intersection between abuse, poverty, and a system that fails those in need - the portion about violence stuck with me.
Perhaps it’s the sentiment of being questioned upon experiencing a traumatic event, seeing victims of abuse struggle to speak up in fears of not being believed, or feeling trapped with no safety net… Most of all, the part that lingered most was seeing the abusers’ friends leap to their defense.
Just as anyone can be a victim of abuse, anyone can also be an abuser themselves. And (newsflash!) abusers tend to not abuse everyone in their social circle. If anything, they, like Hank or Sean in the series, father and ex-husband of protagonist Alex, respectively, are great individuals in public but return to abusive tendencies in a need to regain power. In this same light, abusive behaviour is not linear and tends to manifest over a period of time. Slowly, victims fall into the cycle of abuse.
Furthermore, abuse manifests differently and behaviours vary from one individual to another; just like anyone else, abusers, too, have the ability and often will put on a separate persona in a more public setting. Given that many abusers are aware of their behaviour and try to maintain the power dynamic, it is no surprise that abuse tends to only happen behind closed doors.
And most of the time, abuse is not visible.
It doesn't always end in purple and blue bruises on one’s wrist, in red marks that can be entered as evidence, or even in shattered beer bottles on the hardwood floor. Rather, a lot of how abuse manifests, at least in the beginning, is through mental and emotional manipulation. From victim blaming and gaslighting, to guilt-tripping and more, the key element of abusive behaviour -- one that is oftentimes overlooked or missed - stems from one thing: the need for authority.
Some notable traits that resemble this urge for control and holding onto power over the victim includes insulting, demeaning or embarrassing put-downs in private. Also in public; controlling who you talk to and where you go, and the frequency in which you can be in touch with others; acts or looks in ways that scare you or forces you to act or look a certain way; claims that abuse is no big deal or not that bad, denies it or tells you it’s your own fault; and more.
While the red flags may be easier to spot in retrospect, in the span of time that one is in an abusive relationship, the signs may not be so clear.
If someone has never been in an abusive relationship before, they may not know that they are in one, nor would they want to - or even have the ability to - get out of it. Not only does the imbalance in the power dynamic affect the victim’s ability to speak up, this is further complicated as abusers often go to extremes within the relationship. From bursts of anger to countless threats, abruptly followed by apologies and empty promises, the latter can cloud the victim’s judgment and instill the belief that the abuse can and eventually will come to a close.
This cycle of abuse can, and frequently does, worsen over time; thereby leaving victims more scared and in a more hopeless place than before - not feeling like they have a choice of leaving while realising that safety is gradually becoming a luxury.
If the abusive traits become more apparent to the victims, many still remain in those relationships or struggle getting out of them. While this may be odd for onlookers, a victim’s reasonings behind staying are extremely complicated, emotionally taxing, and conceivably difficult in terms of acquiring adequate support and resources. In fact, studies show that leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence and abusive relationships.
There are things we must remember: It is never too late to ask for help, it is never too late to leave, and it is never too late to report abuse.
Not to mention, have more faith in your gut instincts. If you ever feel as though abuse is beginning to manifest in your own relationships, no matter at what point, reach out to your support network and locate resources.
No matter how small the action or how “one-off” an odd interaction may seem, remember that abuse typically spirals, because after all: “Before they bite, they bark. Before they hit you, they hit near you.”
If you or someone you know is currently a victim of abuse, please know that you are not alone and resources are available to help you - regardless:
For those in the United States, The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free and confidential services and aid 24/7.
Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text ‘START’ to 88788
For those outside of the United States, there are free and confidential services individual to your regions.
You are deserving of a healthy relationship; please notify yourself and loved ones of signs that abuse is manifesting. Also remember, there is no shame in seeking help.