Speaking to You: Conversations on What Is It Like to Live In a Heteronormative Society
*Trigger Warning* Queer Trauma and Discriminatory Violence
There is truly no better time to be gay than right now. In our history, there hasn't been a time when such a large amount of people in society could be openly queer, legally marry who they love, and attend pride marches by the thousands. However, we tend to romanticize just how easy it is to be queer in today’s society. Sure, we are experiencing a queer revolution, as shown in a Gallup poll taken last year in 2020. We know 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identify as queer or use a label other than heterosexual. In contrast to the previous generation, the millennials, this is the greatest increase seen yet. But, even if we were to look just at the queer experience in modern-day America, it isn’t all kittens and rainbows.
Source: CBS News
I myself identify as queer. Coming to this conclusion was extremely difficult, a journey that is not anywhere near finished, and a journey that started with a lot of shame and self-hatred. But thank god Kristen Stewart exists and has dedicated her acting career to playing unapologetically queer characters, each one of these leading me to my gay awakening. (Especially when she played Joan Jett in The Runaways, like oh my god). In all seriousness though, as open as our society is becoming, we all grew up surrounded by heteronomy, which I have only recently realized is extremely toxic. A heteronormative society can be defined as “denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation”. Not only does heteronormativty assume everyone’s sexuality is straight, and that sex and gender mean the same thing, it doesn’t allow queer people to be comfortable, open, or feel safe about their identities because of a fear of rejection and violence.
As I navigate my journey into understanding what it means to me to be queer, I wanted to write an article that would highlight some common experiences felt across the LGBTQ+ community as a way to reach young people who might be questioning their identities. I created a google form survey directed toward queer Gen Z youth. I asked multiple questions, ranging from “what was your ‘coming out experience like?”, to “what are some common misconceptions you hear about being queer?”. I received responses from Gen Z LGBTQ+ people from around the country, stretching from Florida to California and these were the results:
*All of the people who answered the survey identify across the spectrum, and if you come across a term you don’t know or understand, I have linked to a website where you can do some research and learn more.
[UNPUBLISHED:] The gap between Gen Z and other generations has never felt greater. Many older, conservative people in society do not understand what it means to be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. If you could briefly explain this to someone from an older generation what would you say?
Kali A. (he/him), age 16, said it best, “Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community is being able to love who I want to love and that’s that.”
The LGBTQ+ community is an extremely expansive community that welcomes anyone and everyone - a concept older generations might not be familiar with. While it is easy to become frustrated because of this cultural barrier, when it is put as simply as Kali put it, acceptance shouldn’t be that hard.
RK uses the labels gay and trans and would tell someone from an older generation unsure about the LGBTQ+ community, “if you’re confused about something, it’s not an excuse to disrespect us…research things yourself…the answer to many of your questions is probably empathy…we’re all just trying to live our lives and find joy and care for our loved ones, just like you.”
Reminding older generations, and people from all generations who are confused and “offended” by queer identities, that we are just like them is key. We are human, we bleed red just the same. Sometimes just having empathy for someone is enough, judgment-free zones are the type of spaces queer people need.
Maddie A. (she/they), from New York, identifies as a lesbian and said, “Being queer isn’t a made-up identity. It’s essentially finding new words to describe the experiences we have already felt throughout history.”
Put quite beautifully, Maddie could not be farther from the truth. The emergence of queer people into society might feel new to older generations who grew up surrounded by heteronormity, but queer people have been here all along. Queer history is a timeline of struggle, pain, brutality, resistance, liberty, and hope. Our mere existence challenges so many structures, and our mere existence is a fight every day.
[UNPUBLISHED:] Heteronormative societies are obsessed with the beautiful "coming out" tropes. It is such a weird concept that queer people have to "come out" but straight people don't. This is clearly because heterosexuality is seen as the default sexuality. And while many movies have been made about life-changing "coming out" moments, this process is often scary, messy, weird, and uncomfortable. What was your "coming out" experience like?
Sofia A, age 22, from Los Angeles identifies as bisexual and commented on this issue saying, “Because of the pandemic, I couldn’t come out face to face which would’ve been my preference. But still, it was really wonderful…and (it) made me feel freer and more myself with each person I told.”
Some queer people often describe their coming out experience as a weight lifted off their shoulders, a concrete barrier smashed to reveal one’s true self. Although, everyone’s “coming out” experience is different, and it’s not always going to be perfect.
RK recalled their coming out experience saying, “(My parents) reacted horribly and verbally harassed me every day for months afterward. A year later they still don’t accept me. I’m still trying to heal. There’s nothing to romanticize there.”
The harsh reality many queer people face is realizing that the people in our lives that should accept us and love us unconditionally, are often the ones who barely know us, and refuse to accept us fully for who we are. This is a hard pill to swallow, but surrounding yourself with like-minded, kind people is a remedy that might help ease this pain.
Cupid M, age 22, who identifies as non-binary is from Florida and mirrored this concept perfectly saying, “My coming out experience to my own friends was comfortable and I was provided a safe haven that consistently provides me with love and validation. However, I fully know that I will never be able to come out to my family out of fear for my life and security, and that is a fact I’ve accepted.”
This devastating reality is a feeling queer people know all too well. If you are considering “coming out” but worry your family might react violently or harshly, please put your safety first. There will be a right time and place, but where you are right now might not be it, and that’s okay. While it might feel like you are living in secret, find people who are the same as you and form a little supportive community. Your safety should always come first, and keep that in mind.
“Coming out” isn’t for everyone. Chloe M, age 16, from San Diego identifies as queer and said, “I haven’t come out and I don’t plan on coming out…straight people don’t have to come out so why should I? The gender of the person I love shouldn’t matter, people will find out when they find out and if they react with hate they don’t need to be involved in my life anymore.”
I couldn’t agree more with Chloe, for I found the whole idea of “coming out” nauseating and pointless as well. Unfortunately, since we live in a heteronormative society, it feels like everyone assumes I’m straight or asks me what labels I use, which can be overwhelming. But, sometimes it’s okay to tell people you don’t know what you identify as, or you don’t use labels, and that you simply just exist like everyone else.
[UNPUBLISHED:] What are some common misconceptions you hear about being queer?
Max L., age 15, who identifies as queer and trans, has heard common misconceptions about the queer community such as us being, “devil worshippers, doing it for attention…bi people are greedy, pan people don’t exist.” Max brings up several common arguments against queer people, including ones most often brought up by religious communities, and even some found within the queer community.
I’m here to set the record straight for all of those that might be confused. Queer people only worship the devil 3 out of the 7 days of the week. No, obviously I’m kidding. In all seriousness, being queer doesn’t have any correlation to worshipping Satan. In fact, many queer people practice religions like Christianity, Islam, and Judaism.
RK mentioned this misconception as well noting people often say, “That only white people are queer. That only atheists are queer. This is false. Being LGBT does not erase our cultural identity!” It is important to recognize that often patriarchal and heteronormative structures within our cultures often tempt queer people to step away from that part of themselves, but queer people shouldn’t have to sacrifice their cultural identity to be fully accepted. And as for the invalidation of bisexual and pansexual people Max L. mentioned earlier, all sexualities are valid, fluid, and worthy. Bisexual people are not greedy for loving all genders, and pansexual people do exist. (Thank god they do because otherwise, we wouldn’t have Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana).
Kali A. also brought up some common misconceptions, saying, “I’ve always heard that queer people were always making their sexuality their personality, which isn’t true”.
Being queer is merely a part of the complexity of queer people everywhere. It’s a large part of who we are, but it also shouldn’t distinguish us from other people, or be used against us.
Emily R (she/they), age 16, from Southern California who identifies as biromantic asexual mentioned some misunderstandings she often hears, saying, “As a person who’s bi, I get a lot of comments implying that I’m just being experimental, which is totally not true.” The myth that being bisexual is merely a phase before a person becomes “fully gay” or “straight again”, is ridiculous and invalidating. Being queer, no matter what label you use or don’t use, is never just for experimental reasons, it's for deeply personal reasons that often aren’t anyone’s business except your own.
Lastly, Sofia A. mentioned one of the most common myths about queer people, that “coming out (is) part of a trend because ‘everyone else is doing it.’” Sofia then noted, “In reality, it's that people are becoming more comfortable with their identity and in more spaces.” If we live in a society where suddenly a large part of the population feels safe and worthy enough to be who they truly are, who is to say that is just for a “trend”? It is more about a journey to self-acceptance than anything else.
[UNPUBLISHED:] Growing up, was it accepted in your household or town to be queer? If not, how did you deal with that hatred and turn it into strength?
Cupid M. responded to this question by saying, “Absolutely not, I grew up in an extremely deep south town, to the point where it was socially acceptable to adorn your pickup truck with the confederate flag and park it at our high school. Due to this, I repressed my identity for an exceptionally long time. However, I found a community that accepted me for who I was as I got older, and I have been able to provide that same comfort to many others in turn.” A lot of times the queer community mentions their “chosen family”. Oftentimes queer people don’t receive accepting members of their blood families, but instead, we find each other. There is no doubt there is a deeply rooted tradition of heternormity in American society, not only in the Deep South but in many households and towns, even the ones that claim to be “liberal”.
Ally M, age 22, who identifies as “a fab bisexual with unlabeled gender identity” from Central Florida brought up this point saying, “I grew up in a pretty liberal city, but I went to a religious private school. I never really met other people who were queer…my parents are liberal but only really accepting of queer people when it isn’t our family. My dad still makes offensive jokes about the community and especially trans people and he never seems to put effort into using preferred pronouns.” Heteronormity is not only reserved for conservatives, queer people have to battle it every day, even sometimes the prejudice that we have been taught remains within us.
[UNPUBLISHED:] What hopes do you have for Gen Z and future generations in terms of LGBTQ+ representation and rights?
A lot of this article has been filled with queer trauma, and I do not want that to be the main point made here. Yes, being queer is a struggle, but it also brings so much joy into our lives. Being able to truly love someone and yourself is something that is felt beyond the LGBTQ+ community, and this feeling should be available to every human on earth.
Max L.’s hope for future generations is that “we don't have to live in fear for being LGBTQ+. I don't want kids to worry about if they're going to be accepted or if they're gonna get killed for being LGBTQ+ I want a safe space for all LGBTQ youth.”
While queer people have marriage equality, we still walk down the street, or go to school, and are called the f-slur. While queer people can attend pride marches, we are still victims of mass shootings and hate crimes. While a queer person can hold hands in public with their partner in some American towns, they would be shot dead or persecuted for doing the same thing in other countries around the world. The fight is not anywhere near finished.
Maddie A’s response was, “I hope the (LGBTQ) community can change and be welcoming to everyone of every sexuality, especially people who don’t fit into labels or feel like labels don’t fit them. They deserve just as much love and I can often feel judgment come from within the community.”
Maddie’s response made me think of the SNL skit, It Gets Better. Bowen Yang famously said in this skit, “It’s scarier when gay people are mean because they are so organized.” I think about this quote a lot. While the LGBTQ+ community is extremely accepting, there are times some queer people might judge you for your beliefs and labels, but don’t let that get to you. The LGBTQ+ community itself has things to work out, including the inclusion and representation of queer BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, people of color) folks, and hopefully, as time progresses everyone, in general, can become more accepting.
Ally M. responded with, “I hope that we can see proper representation that isn’t tokenized or perpetuates harmful stereotypes…I just want us to have all the same rights afforded to us that the cishet community has, and I want QPOC (queer people of color) especially to feel safe and welcomed.” Ally brings up a solid point when it comes to proper representation.
Queer representation in our media, tv shows, movies, and books is so important. Without it, many queer people might have never realized they were queer. I don’t think we can ever downplay Megan Fox’s cultural impact when she played a bisexual succubus in Jennifer’s Body. Seriously, this movie changed lives, including mine. But, LGBTQ+ representation is not fueled by the gay agenda and it’s not going to turn your kids gay. Instead, it will help many closeted queer youths feel better about themselves, and show them that they are not alone nor that their existence is valid and worthy of joy. If your whole life you are told who you will fall in love with someday, or what your self-expression should look like, you won’t question it until you see others rebelling against this toxic heteronormative culture.
[UNPUBLISHED:] Lastly, what advice would you give to someone questioning and exploring their sexuality/gender/identity in general?
Emily R’s advice was this, “Take your time. I know you might feel like you have to figure out who you are quickly so you can just give yourself a label, but there is absolutely no rush. Take the time to get to know what you like and what you don't. Sexuality and gender are fluid, so there's no reason for you to know exactly who you are right away.”
Kyana M’s advice to today’s queer youth is, “It's healthy to question, even if you find your sexuality and gender still unchanged at least now you know more about yourself and others.” This is even greater advice to cis and heterosexual people who might judge others or themselves for questioning their identities. In the words of Kyana, questioning is healthy.
Chloe M’s advice is to, “Be safe and try everything. You don’t know what labels work until you try them. Also, don’t feel bad about growing out of labels or changing your mind. We’re not stagnant people, we’re meant to grow and change and the LGBTQ+ community will always support you.”
My goal in writing this article was to possibly help at least one Gen Z youth come to terms with, or feel represented by, their identity. At the end of the day, it can be as simple as choosing to live your life unapologetically however you choose. Being queer is beautiful and important. While we still live in a heteronormative society, we should thank the queer people that came before us that helped make our authentic existence possible. Because without them, we never could have gotten to the place we are today.